Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Do you have this sick called trauma?

Well, I do have one...
More painful than giving birth,
flushes away my confidence
tears my heart into pieces,
again and again once reminded.
No matter how hard I tried to forget

But I guess I have to fight this alone
No one can help to cure
Only me
By myself,

Sad oh, so sad...
I don't know how to

I'm just scared.

Monday, January 16, 2006


Look look look...!!!

I got a flower!!!

My first flower ......... (^_______^) [senyum2 terus sambil ngeliat bunga di meja makan]

Friday, January 13, 2006

Giving Birth

Some friends were asking me of how the giving birth process was. Painful or not. Scary or not. Easy or not. I will write the details of giving birth process hihihihi. Hope could be informative enough and answer all your questions.

WARNING: Not rated!!! some content might be too VULGAR. Not for children under 17 years old.

Giving birth process is initialized with the continuous contraction. I read many books and information in internet about this. That there are two kinds of contraction. First is the fake contraction or also known as Braxton Hicks contraction, and second is the real contraction. The first contraction is not so painful, and if your change your sleep or sitting position, it will be reduced and gone. Meanwhile the real contraction is SO DAMN painful. It won't go by changing your position, and comes continuously in certain period of time.

I think I got the contraction on the last two days before giving birth. It came continuously, but I still could handle it. I still thought that it was the fake contraction since my due date was still about more than a month ahead. So I refused Hiro's suggestion to go to hospital. I didn't want to look stupid going to hospital TOO early. I would have my regular check up schedule on Saturday (31 Dec), so I thought I would just tell the doctor about my contractions.

9:30 am
Therefore as planned, I went for my regular check up that Saturday morning with Hiro. There I told my doctor that I got regular contraction on the past two days, but not the hard one. Then he checked my stomach, said that my baby was not gaining weight for the past 1 month control. Then when I told him that the day before I found blood stain, he looked surprised and checked my vagina. was a hell of pain. ALREADY OPENING 3, and I MUST GO TO DELIVERY SECTION AT 3rd FLOOR RIGHT AWAY.

OH MY GOD. We were not prepared at all!!! I turned pale and so did Hiro, but we just followed the nurse.

At the delivery section...

One nurse lead me to one of the small rooms there. The room was 2x3 metres size with one bed and one USG equipment for external monitoring. The nurse asked me to change my cloth into a pink operation cloth and lay down on the bed. She put kind of belt on my stomach, connected to the equipment to monitor the baby's heart beat and to detect contraction strength and length. Then the doctor came, checked again my vagina, made me screamed till crying. Still opening 3 cm. I could hardly stand up. The nurse brought me to a cozy room with some sofas and equipments to relax from contractions. Hiro joined me in a second, and both of us stayed in that room waiting for the next openings.

2:oo pm
The nurse picked me up at the waiting room. She is actually pretty, but seeing her coming and remembered the pain I would get if I follow her made me sick of her. Again she brought me into the small room and checked the opening. Still opening 3 cms. DOH...Iki...Iki....why it took so long?!
But then doctor came and talked to her. Ah ya!! FYI, they all speak Korean that I didn't understand at all what they said. So mostly between my pains, we communicated using body language hihihi. Interesting experience, huh? my-already-weakened-brain must work hard trying to understand the body language.
Anyway, then the nurse came back to me with kind of tool. She asked me to open my legs again. Arrghh AGAIN?! But this time she put kind of basin under my body. I got bad feeling already. Uh Oh...what the hell was she going to do?!
She put the knife-looks tool into my vagina and then suddenly bunch of water came out. My amnion water!! Which means, the baby must be pushed out within hours.

She brought me again into the waiting room, and then checked my opening every 30 minutes, while sometimes checked the baby's heart beat. The contractions were getting more and more painful. It's like the pain you got when having menstrual period, but 10 times harder. When the contraction came, I had to arrange my breath like what I learnt at my yoga class, and hiro massaged my back to reduce the pain, meanwhile the nurse guided me to keep the rhythm of my breath.

4:00 pm
Still opening 4 cms. I felt like losing my power already. The other pregnant women in the waiting room were screaming and crying during contractions. What a tensed situation. I couldn't scream or cry. I thought I must keep my energy inside the delivery room.
This time the doctor didn't look patient anymore looking at my progress. I could feel from his voice tone though I didn't know exactly what he said. So the nurse started the painful process.......

She asked me to lay down on the bed with opened legs, and gave me a piece of paper. Among my dizziness I tried to understand what's written there. Doctor's handwriting. Instruction that when the contraction came, I must started twice taking-and-releasing breath, then took one deep breath, pulled the handle beside my bed, pushed my heel and my anus strongly for about 40 minutes. Well, actually his english was quite confusing, so I almost laughed reading the paper. Huahahahaha can you imagine?? I will give birth to my baby using a piece of broken English instruction?!
But I learnt new vocabularies accidently during this time, because accidently I did the wrong thing. Like I "stopped" when she said "to" - meanwhile "to" in Korean means "more" hahaha

But my laugh was gone as soon as the pain came. This process was really painful. I really started to push the baby out with the nurse's fingers inside my vagina. writing this, I can still remember the pain and feel her fingers around my baby's head to open the vagina more. this the process every delivering woman must pass?! Here I started to cry, I remembered my mom right away and imagined the three kids she had delivered.

If she thought I needed a break, she brought me again to the waiting room and there Hiro was helping to release the pain with the massage on my back.

5:oo pm
The nurse brought me again to the small room to check the opening. It was opening 8. When it reached opening 9, she told me that she could see the baby's head already. Though I felt so weak, my crazy mind felt like I wanted to touch the baby's head when he's still hanging on my vagina. Of course the nurse was angry when I was about to do it. I just grinned to her hehehe

5:30 pm
She brought me into the delivery room. I had to sit on the delivery table I used to saw in the movies or read in books. It was exactly 5:30 pm when the nurse said that it's opening 10 already. I must started to push much stronger this time. It was SOOOOO DAMN painful. I felt like I couldn't continue anymore. I couldn't bear the pain, and I lost my power already. All the nurses in the room were panic. One was checking the baby's heartbeat, one was keep pushing me to try more, one tried to translate with her poor english. But all I felt was just pain and pain and pain.

5:45 pm
One nurse yelled to the doctor. The door opened, one nurse came in a rush, with Hiro following behind her. WHAT?!?!?! I thought he told me that he's scared to go inside delivery room?!?!

It was really a power for me. Then everything happened so fast. I tried my best to push and push and push. I forgot the pain. All I wanted was to let this baby out of my body as soon as possible. Hiro was beside me. Actually I couldn't really hear what he said anymore. He was just a blur image talking to my right ear. But then I paused. I saw the doctor holding a big scissor. What the hell?! And before I could think more, "KREK KREK KREK". He cut something down there. OMG. I could feel the scissor cutting my skin. It made me shocked that I made one very strong push and BYORRRRRR!!!!!

It was the only sound I could hear, and then two nurses was holding me so that I stopped pushing and relaxed.

5:55 pm
IKI was born.
Hiro cut the placenta (I saw the doctor handed him the same scissor he used to cut me!!). I heard a loud cry and saw a red cute baby. I thought I would see an alien-looks creature, but he was soooo cute (^__^). The nurse brought him and Hiro out of the room and left me there.

I thought everything was over.....
Yet the doctor then sew the wound he made by the scissor previously. I could feel nothing because of the anesthesia. Then he tried to pull out the placenta from my wound. BUT COULDN'T!!!!! Seemed like the placenta was too big. he cut me again, pull out the placenta, and started sewing again. I thought it would be OK.....but seemed like the anesthesia was already finished. So this time I was in a great pain. I still can feel the needle now. Ewwwwwwwww

Iki when he was just born

So dear friends......this is my story of giving birth. It was painful, but it was a wonderful experience you should try in the future (^_____^)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New Year Gift

Well ehm, gotta say goodbye to 2005. Lots of things happened that changed my life upside down. I was thinking to close 2005 with something simple and nice yet unforgetable. This would be the brand new year to be spent with Hiro.

And so we made plan.....
That I would prepare Japanese new year's must-be-eaten food; and I would make cheese cake as my new year gift for Hiro (after the so-called failed christmas gift hehe). I bought all the ingredients needed already. Just waited for Saturday to start preparing all.

But then.....
Something happened.
I could never prepare new year food for welcoming 2006. I could never bake cheese cake to be given as new year gift for Hiro.

Unexpectedly we spent saturday (that was supposed to be preparation day for new year) in the hospital.


Dear friends....

Let me introduce you to IKI.
Born on 31 December 2005 at 5:55 pm
Prematur, 1.9 kgs and 43 cms yet surprisingly healthy