Tuesday, July 19, 2005

About Promise and Trust

When I was small, I used to complain to my father if he had to work late.
I remember he always smiled and said "Papa had to make a living. If Shierly waits, everynight papa will go to your room, bring candy and listen to your story of the day".
It happened for years. I believe him and his promise. Little Shierly was a little girl with high hope, expectation, and belief on promises.
But of course it couldn't happen forever. I grew up, and many things happened. Life changed, I changed.

Once a friend said, that from me he learnt not to trust someone easily. I got insulted at that time. Am I that bad? But then I tried to put some of my life pieces together. A friend won't say such thing without any reason.

I got dissapointed for many times. Because of one sweet word called "promise", and one determination called "trust".
From my work where my eyes opened that business world is not a clean world. No easy trust to a promise if you want to fight your life there.
From some friends to whom I gave my trust but taking every aspects of me for granted.
From love that broke my heart several times yet keep giving me promises.
From my family to whom I did my best yet got no understanding back, but expect more and more from me. Without realising that I have my own life and had done enough to make them happy.
Even from myself, from my own acts, emotions, and unbelievably way of thinking.

Small promise is a big matter for me, but seems that for some people now promise is only some good words accidentally said to give me temporary good feeling. Since then I couldn't trust someone easily. I live in a world full of 'if' and 'if'

Anyway, I want to change. I want to learn to trust again. I want to forget the black spots in my heart. To those dark memories I said I've already put in a locked box but infact keep haunting me.

Therefore I still put this little hope on promise. I know from my experiences that a promise is so easy to say but not to realise. I want to have a hope again. So anyone who read this, please don't just give me the damn word. Don't break my effort when I'm just starting to try to trust people again.

If a small promise couldn't be kept, how can I rely on big promises? How can I build my trust again?

2 comments:

Carla said...

ah ya.. that's also one of my mind struggles now. but i'm trying to quit hoping. expectations hurt. i'm not trying to change your mind, no. just my state of being. :P

Sheila said...

Don't give up on hopes.
Aku juga selalu susah percaya ama orang, bahkan ama diri sendiri... but then I learned that trust is built slowly, from piece to piece... You'll get through with it...

you've got your man, your baby, and your friends (a.k.a : us!)