Last monday I took Iki to hospital for final check up before operation. This time I travelled to Japan without Hiro so I drove whole my in laws family worried. They were afraid if I couldn't reach the hospital. If Iki was crying, If I couldn't get seat in the train because it was Japan's rush hour, if I couldn't get taxi and so on and so on. I assured them that I would be OK, that I'd travelled all the way from Korea to Japan only with Iki, so they shouldn't be worried that much.
And indeed they shouldn't. The journey to the hospital was surprisingly smooth. I got seat in the train, I got taxi soon after I went off the station, and so as the journey back. God really blessed me (^__^).
Iki was also such a good boy. More than a half way in the train to the hospital he was really a quiet boy. A beautiful young woman was standing in front of us and he just sat nicely while watching her :p. And on the way back home, he slept well the whole journey.
But as we arrived at the hospital, he became very naughty. Taking out all the stuffs from my big bag and throwing them away to the floor, pulling people's hair sitting behind us, screaming and crying if he couldn't get what he want. We still had to wait for 1 hour there so I felt so fed up trying to calm him down.
But then as we entered the doctor's room and Iki had to start his examinations and health tests there, I felt so helpless watching. Iki cried cried and cried. I could feel that he felt so painful from his cries. He cried until he became very weak and had no power. Just stared at me, squeaking helplessly. His eyes were asking me to help him.
During his 3.5 hours examinations. I didn't see him smiling at all. All were tears.
When we're home. He didn't want anyone taking him from me at all. He was just there inside my arm, hugging me tightly. I knew he was trauma. Whenever someone took him from me in the hospital, he would be in pain.
My heart broke. I wanted to but I couldn't cry. In front of him I must smile and be strong. For they were the only supports I could give him.
I felt guilty that he had to get through all of that pains. It was not even the operations yet. And was not the post-operations pain that according to doctor would make him suffering.
I felt guilty.
It was all because of me. It was because I didn't take much care of myself during my pregnancy that I had to give birth to him prematurely.
If only I let him stayed inside me until all of him perfectly developed.
If only....if only.....
And now as I'm watching him sleeping, I want to tell him that if possible I want to take all the pains from him. That I want to lay on the operation table for him.
That I am so sorry.......