Monday, July 23, 2007

Why oh why?!

I got my period this morning. Half of me felt relieved. The thought of having another baby with a super-attention-demanding Iki scared me. I was not sure if I could manage to be a good mother of both (and a good wife as well). One baby is already capable to take away almost all the patience I could possibly have.

But "one and half" of me somewhat felt sad. I felt like losing a baby. Somewhat it hurt me to see "it". Perhaps its because we've been talking about it. The consequences we might face if it happened. Hiro said it's OK. We would have to save at least another some hundreds thousand of USD ONLY for his/her education. Especially because having another child at his age is kind of critical. He would get retired before that child graduates from university. But if it really happened, it's really OK. No more traveling or gorgeous dinner or expensive shopping. But he'd feel really happy and blessed (in spite of waking up every two or three hours at the early months :p). Mostly because Iki looks very lonely after our holiday trip. The idea of having one more sibling would probably make him happy, and make our home more cheerful.

Anyway, again, I got my period. Half of him also felt relieved. I tried to forget this the whole day. The result? I bought a small cute wooden cupboard to put my accessories (dasar cewek :p). I almost forgot that I was so obsessed of miniatures of wooden furnitures when I was in university. I also got a haircut. Finally I found a good hair saloon in this city. It's recommended by Hiro's Japanese friend living here (he believes that something recommended by a Japanese must be good haha). Well, it is really good. The hairdresser could speak English and she cut my hair just the way I wanted it. At last I got a haircut again after 5 months :p



But as I finished my day with hot shower few minutes ago, it's coming back again. The feeling of losing.


Why should I feel so sad of losing something I've never had?

9 comments:

a2pl3 said...

Try again... that's all I can say... :D

I'm sorry if it may not be the best advice... :) but... hey... everything happen for a reason... :D

Sheila said...

sometimes, people dream, thought the dream was real, but when they woke up, they realized that it was only a dream and wished it came true, although we don't know if it would be the best if it stays a dream rather than becoming reality.


It's human, don't worry.
Discuss again with Hiro what you actually want, how to arrange things, if u both want it badly, then go for it... but if it's a matter of impulse, platonic feeling, then let it go... and keep in your mind that a dream is there to make human seizes and savours the reality.



Poetic, am I?
But I believe it with all my heart.


Eh... lemari aksesori itu bagus deh, jadi ngilerrrr..
aku juga punya... tapi punyaku bukan kayu, dan lebih GUEDHEEEE, dengan 48 laci2 mungil (8x6, HUAHAHAHAHAHAHA....) yg semuanya hampir penuh :-P

Punyaku plastik sih, jadi bete, bagusan punyamu. Punyaku ini toolbox yg biasa di toko bangunan buat nyimpan paku, sekrup dan bangsa2nya, hahahahaa.


Miss you a lot. BTW I'm back from NL!
Your holiday pics looked MARVELOUSSSS... I showed them to my mom, she agreed you looked great (dan buntutnya aku disuruh diet supaya kurus kayak kamu, HUHHHH!!!)

Sheila said...

Eh Mut, barusan nyadar, fotomu yg berjemur pake bikini sama iki kok dihapus? barusan kemaren mau kukomentarin, hahahaha...
Dimarahi Hiro suruh hapus ya?


Btw aku mau komentar ini:
Foto itu di-blur bagian kamu bikinian, kayak foto2 razia XXX di koran2 kan ceweknya di-blur supaya ngga ketauan identitasnya, cuma ditulisin berita: Shirley (bukan nama sebenarnya) ikut terjaring razia polisi Manado baru-baru ini...


HUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

a2pl3 said...

Couldn't agree with Ella more... :D

NoorIntan said...

i know how it feels to see period coming out whilst you two already wanting to be pregnant.. it's okay to grief or feel as if you're loosing a child... hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow and perhaps giving it some other trials :)

btw, what bikini picture? i didn't get a chance to see it.. hayo dipasang lagi! :D dan new haircutnya, i'm demanding photos!!! :D

aku punya meja laci kayu gitu, cuma 6 laci sih dan tebak apa isinya? pernak-pernik Ameera, she decided to take all of my belongings (or destroyed them, that's why i took them all out) and replaced them with her own treasures such us toys or rubbish! :(

NoorIntan said...

ralat, i found the blurry picture of you in bikinis with Iki in Iki's blog :p

benova said...

hehehe...iya nih aku cmn sbg pengamat jarak jauh hihihi coba lagi deh..kalau memang ada rencana mau buat sibling buat Iki lo...don't worry kalo ga berhasil soalnya kalo dipikirin bisa stress dewe. Tapi apa emang gt ya cewex, wkt kita mau buat Kiyo antara ya dan tidak antara pengin dan nanti dulu tapi wkt ga jadi yaaaaa ada perasaan wah kok ndak jadi ya..lama2 biarin aja eh taunya jadi hahahahahaha tapi itupun separo seneng separo sedih..hihihi...

yunita said...

wahh Mut... masalah kita Hampir sama... kalo kamu udah tahu kepastiannya.. kalo aku masih ketar ketir, kayanya aku masih belom siap buat another child, mau pakai baby test tapi takut liat hasilnya.. gimana nih???

imoet said...

apple,
hehehe thanks :p

sheila,
yeah...u're right. sekarang udah tenang lebih bisa mikir. biarlah itu jadi mimpi. kita udah ngitung2 dan bakal susah kalo ada anak satu lagi.
hahaha lemarimu punya 48 laci mungil!! banyak sekaleeee. nti ae nek merit bikin khusus satu dinding di kamarmu (jadi ngebayangin kamar tidur yang salah satu dindingnya dipenuhi laci kecil2 isinya aksesoris hahaha)

sheila lagi,
itu poto ada di blognya iki kok :p

intan,
kayaknya laen kali "ati-ati" deh hehehe.
wah lemari mungilku sekarang lagi kuamankan dari jamahan tangan iki. dia udah mulai nunjuk2 (biasa, barang baru dirumah), tapi aku cuekin. jok sampe dia sentuh itu pokoknya :p
foto? nanti ya :D :D

benova,
yeah, sekarang ngerti perasaanmu. ehhh....september ketemuan yuk? aku mo ke jepang!! (i'll email u about this)

yunita,
itulah akibat terlalu "hot" hahaha. kamu bukannya emang mau punya anak dua yun? udah waktunya kali si brian dikasih adek biar lebih "jinak" :p