Thursday, March 13, 2008

Impossible dream

Two days ago I got information that Hiro is going to be sent to a country where he could not bring family for security reasons.
I knew it would happen sooner or later but still, knowing it myself was like a nightmare. But as a wife I must support him. He's leaving for our sake anyway. Dissapointed? Yes. But life must go on and I have to deal with the decision.
I have to decide where will I live with Iki when we're apart. Either in Indonesia or Japan. Too many things come into consideration that I couldn't decide even though I've been thinking about this nonstop for these two days *sigh*
I miss Indonesia. I miss my family, friends, and the food. But I don't know what will I face there. Where would I live? Manado? My parents are now living with my sister on a small island in the middle of nowhere. My brother lives alone now and I know he'd be more than happy to live with me. BUT I don't think it's wise to live with him and anyway I don't want to take care of him :p.

I have no place to live in Surabaya. I must rent a house and buy ALL the furnitures, or rent a furnished apartment (which is much more expensive than renting our apartment in Japan now!). I don't have any job, and don't intend to have any either. I don't want to leave Iki to baby sitter.
OK I'll be busy on the first few weeks if I moved there. But after I tried all the food I'm missing now, and met my friends, I might have nothing to do then. I don't want to spend my days jumping from one shopping mall to another shopping mall :p.

Bali? I love going there for holiday. But for living? Will I just lying on the beach, tanning myself and Iki every day?!

In other hands, I could actually put Iki into playgroups, or swimming school. But....I don't know. I just think that something is not right. Don't ask me, I couldn't explain what. I want to go to Indonesia. It's just..........

And Japan.
I just started my life here. I don't speak good Japanese, I can't read kanji, I don't know a lot of rules and cultures and habit and common senses yet. I don't know A LOT of things.
But I just start enjoying my life here. I just start making friends. We have swimming class three times a week. Iki and I love it. The food is good and Iki loves Japanese food more than any other food. We're always busy. Either for swimming, playing, surveying, traveling, and shopping. We have happy life here, as a whole family. I don't know if we would still feel the same without Hiro. I am not sure if I could manage being with Iki only for 24 hours.

My parents in law would be really really sad if I moved to Indonesia with Iki. My mother in law always said that she's old and dying and wants to spend time as much time with Iki as possible. But I'll be dying if I have to spend as much time as possible with them hahahaha. JOKING!! I love them. Really I do. They are very nice and lovable. I don't mind to visit them sometime and enjoy traveling with them. It's also very nice to see their happy faces, and also Iki's happy faces if they're together. But it's just tiring, really tiring, spending too much time with them *sorry, Hiro :p*

I couldn't let this matter out of my mind these days, that's why I think I got this very nice dream last night.......

We were packing Hiro's stuffs when suddenly Hiro got the idea to ask his boss if he could bring his family along. I was laughing out loud at his idea but honestly couldn't stop hoping. So the next day we went to his office together. We met a lot of people, and talked with them before at last we met the boss. Then Hiro told her (in my dream, the boss is a woman!) about his idea and explained how we would be able to manage living there. To my surprised, she agreed!!!
So then we went home, full of joy. We stopped by at the nearest supermarket and bought some stuffs for dinner. For dinner celebration, for exact.
Then as we arrived home I started to cook. I couldn't stop smiling because I was too happy. It was like a dream to me. Then my cooking alarm rang as the sign that my rice was ready. It was when my real "alarm" rang too and woke me up :(

I took me few minutes to realize why I was on the bed. My heart was broken into pieces. IT WAS A DREAM!! hahahaha
A very sweet dream indeed, isn't it? but it's an impossible dream.

However I tried to deal with this, from that dream I still realized that deep in my heart I still wished....I wished that we could be together.

8 comments:

Used to be An Ordinary Woman with A Wacky Brain. said...

Mutmut, mungkin kalo emang bisa ikut kayaknya itu yang terbaik ya....mumpung Iki masih kecil jadi blom bingung masalah sekolah dll...tapi menurut pendapatku kalo emang akhirnya harus milih mungkin mending netap di Jepang ya? Untuk Iki lingkungannya kan udah gak asing lagi, plus masih ada mertua juga disana, jadi gak sampe completely alone :) anyway, whatever decision it is, hopefully it's the best for you.

benova said...

aah shier, you will go with Hiro, leaving japan?
Bener nih?..apa tempatnya terpencil/pedalaman?
Klo terpencil, apa ga kacian Iki, malah mjd asing?Untk brp taon nih?
Tp klo msh di Indo at least msh bisa terbang ke ur hometown/sby.
Atow disini, Iki sdh enjoy, n kamu sdh bs adaptasi, tp no husband jg pasti sepi bgt dan bs nangis trs klow aku hahaha.
Tp klo tinggal terpencil, i'll choose to go home Indonesia.
But, it's ur decision, i know it must be many considerations.
Hope, that's the best for all of you.Lagian kan ga slamanya hehehe.
Btw, akankah kalian moving moving around trs?
NB: bisakah kita rent apartment milik kantormu. hehehehe.Abis aku pengin n murah ya.

yun said...

Tergantung berapa lama Hiro bakal dipindahkan, kalo "cuman" 1 th ya mending tinggal di Jepang aja... kalo bakal lama banget ato berth-th.. kalo aku sih mending tinggal di Indo, krn worth it untuk kontrak rmh,dll.
Ikuti kata hati mu mut.. thats the best ;)

The Diva said...

first of all, BIG HUGGGGG...

hmmm it's such a dilemma :-( I wouldn't know what to do if I were you, but to be honest, I'd rather follow my hubby if I could. I know, this one is not helping at the moment ya.

Kayaknya seperti saran the other girls yg udah ngeduluin komen disini, aku akan turuti kata hati. Tinggal di Jepang sendirian, asal kamu tahan sama culture + dunia baru TANPA hubby and hanya berteman mertua, ya nggak papa Mut.

Although for me (and again, this is just for me), aku pilih ke Indonesia sih. Mungkin lingkungan akan jadi sedikit asing buat Iki, tapi semisal tinggal di Surabaya juga nggak sulit2 banget kok Mut. Banyak rumah kontrakan yang furnished, ngga perlu apartemen, rumah biasa yg kecil dan furnished plus ada pembantu yang bisa bantuin kamu (I could ask my mom to help you find a house, dia kan mantan makelar rumah jadi banyak koneksi hahaha)

But again, you know that Surabaya sudah berubah. Temen2 udah sibuk sendiri2, jadi dimanapun kamu tinggal, Jepang atau Surabaya kamu harus cari kesibukan.
Masukin Iki ke international playgroup di Surabaya juga ada, while you find other activities (nggak cuma mall), macam2 kursus dari menyulam sampai arisan panci juga ada, di Jepang juga sama kan?
Sedikit beda sama di Jepang mungkin kl di Indo kamu ngga usah 24 jam urus rumah (cuma perlu urus Iki aja), sisanya bisa kasih pembantu.

I think the point is... how you stay strong enough to find a life with your little boy, wherever you are, wherever you decide to stay. For once, it's YOUR call, cos you'll be going through it, not Hiro, not your in-laws.

Be strong ya Mut.
Remember that home is where your heart is. As long as you feel like home, be it Manado, Tokyo, Surabaya, be it with a language you know or you don't, it's always, always the best choice.

Carla said...

berhubung yg lain sudah menyuarakan yg terbaik (that i have to agree), jadi aku mau ngasih saran selfish aja deh.

go to bali. relax. take care of iki here. semahal2nya ga akan semahal jepang. disini jg banyak resto jepang yg menjamur. kalo kamu memang cape jagain iki, aku lagi cari parttime job in the eve. jadi babysitter iki kayaknya pretty fun. plus aku bisa poto2 dia sepuasnya.

kalo kangen keluarga kamu bisa ke manado ato mereka ke kamu. kalo kangen ama teman2 kamu bisa terbang ke surabaya cuma 35 menit. kalo kangen hiro, suruh dia ol pake webcam and cyber away (apaan sih? :D) but... yeah... that's it.

tp ada 1 pertimbangan lagi ttg berapa lama kamu harus berpisah ama hiro. kalo lama banget, you really have to consider staying in Japan, karena iki lagi masa pertumbuhan dan kita tau kamu dan hiro pengen dia tumbuh di lingkungan yg seperti apa. it will affect him a lot in this important stage of his growth.

benova said...

Hmmm..tp kan Hiro bakal duluan br km nyusul kan? Ya mending buat cek2 situasi dl gituh loh, apa emang parah bgt kah dan gmn, br klo emang still ok kamu br nyusul.Gitu kah?

Ya klo aku emang akan ikut bojoku, but klo tmpnya "strange" bgt, mikir2 rek hihihihi. Better tinggal ma ortu or ada family lah or friends (indonesia).
Yep sby bs kontrak rmh kok, atow beli rmh yg mungil jg ada yg murah (sidoarjo sih hehehe).Mau kontrak di perum elite jg ada, hihihihi.
International school skg bny tuh, tul kata sheila.tp nek ikut arisan weleh malah ngerumpi tok nggosip gak karuan ntar hahahhahaha.

Eh...kapan main kesini??
Wah, nek jd pergi, I gak bs incip2 masakanmu lg dong hehehe.

imoet said...

First of all, makasiiiiih buat komen-komennya. Entah kenapa kok ya feel better abis baca komen kalian semua (meskipun belum bisa memutuskan juga :p). saran-saran kalian semua akan jadi bahan pertimbangan. mudah2an bisa mutusin sesuatu dalam sebulan nih!

wacky,
yeah....kali ini bener2 gak bisa ikut :(. terlalu bahaya, apalagi bawa anak kecil. ya dari segi politik, keamanan, juga kesehatan.

benova,
first of all, sorry komen kedua-mu aku edit heheehe. ada "tempat" yang gak boleh disebut yang tersebut. tapi bukan kesana kok, nov.... :(
tempatnya terpenciiiil, pedalaman. dan berbahaya makanya gak boleh bawa keluarga. kalo cuma terpencil tok gak apa2, tapi kalo moro2 ada ledakan2 yang mengancam ngono lak mengerikan bawa anak istri. masih belom tau juga brapa lama, biasalah informasi lak mesti dapat'e dadakan.
ya bener, dipikir2, iso nangis terus tinggal berduaan tok sama Iki . Lah kelakuan tambah gak bisa dikendalikan ngono. tapi tinggal ama mertua ya gak tahan pek. pulang indonesia kalo kelamaan tinggal ama mamaku ya gak tahaaaan :p.
iya bener, bakal moving around terus sampe hiro pensiun. tapi kalo iki sekolah nanti ya dilihat lagi apa aku ama iki bakal ikut.
mo nyewa apartemen disini? hahaha benny kudu kerja dikantor'e hiro sek, nov! :p
2 minggu lagi aku maen ke tempatmu yaa!! ntar tak email deh :)

yun,
hmm iya juga. lah kalo perginya 2 tahun piye? nanggung :p

ella,
*sesak napas kegencet big hug-mu* hihihi
yeah..emang bener2 dilemma. gak bisa mutusin aku. pusingg (@_@)
yahh kayaknya kamu menjelaskan apa yang kapan hari aku bingung jelasin tentang kenapa rasanya ada yang janggal kalo aku pindah ke surabaya!!
semuanya sudah berubah disana....i don't think i'm ready for the changes :)) *kekanak2an mah ini!*
but still this city comes into my consideration. kalo aku butuh kontrakan aku email kamu yaaaa. minta tolong ibu kusuma bantu :p
"home is where your heart is". i think kalimat itu kunci segala masalahku, la. kayaknya aku kudu meditasi cari tau dimana hatiku berada deh.

carla,
yeah i even will consider your selfish suggestion! it's not bad though. kamu bener juga. aku harus pikirkan LINGKUNGAN mana yang terbaik buat pertumbuhan Iki.

a2pl3 said...

Mut...

I'm sorry to hear bout your confusion and I'm sorry that I can't help much...

Agreed with what the others have said... do whatever is best for you. :)

"Every cloud has silver lining"

Good luck!